A Bit More…

The following is one story from the chapter “Encountering Pearls” from a book that I am working on called “Journey to the Center of His Heart”. Please read through if you would like and give some feedback. If you like what you see, pass the word along about this blog and sign up to receive updates through email.

Anne (not her real name) – Meeting Anne has had a profound impact on my life. The first time I met her, she was in her second trimester of a surprise pregnancy. She was young and beautiful, but her innocence had been taken from her long ago.

Anne had grown up in a typical Western PA home. She told me that while both of her parents would drink occasionally, that life until she was 11 or 12 was pretty normal. Then her parents split up and her mother ended up dating a guy that was trouble. He was an addict and a dealer. Soon mom began to use, and life for Anne and her younger sister went down hill.

Through a set of circumstances that are too ugly to describe, this precious little girl was used, abused and ended up with a serious drug addiction. She had zero self worth. While she is “model beautiful”, she had no reason to guard her heart or her body. She began exchanging herself for drugs and what is worse, she entered into relationships where her boyfriends would exchange her for drugs.

When I met her, she was pregnant and had been trying to get clean. Because of the seriousness of her addiction and how far along she was before she realized she was pregnant, the doctors insisted that she go to clinic for methodone treatments through the end of her pregnancy. You hear people talk about how a woman glows during pregnancy, it really seemed true with Anne. Even though I had known her before, I could see that her heart seemed to be more alive than ever for this amazing girl. She would come hang out with us occasionally after one of our girls would take her to the clinic. Her heart was open to God. She listened to testimonies of how God had changed people’s lives, and you could see a hunger in her eyes.

Things seemed to be going well. Her mother was clean for the first time in a long time, and had gotten a job working with my sister. Mom and daughter moved into a new apartment, and they were excited about the fresh new start that the birth of the new baby seemed to be bringing.

Of course, the doctors had some concerns about the health of the baby because of Anne’s addiction, but everything was looking good heading into the last few weeks of pregnancy. We were all pleased when we heared that Anne had given birth to a baby girl. Both mommy and baby seemed to be doing well, and a after a few days of observation, the doctors sent them home.

I will never forget the first time that I saw Anne pushing her stroller down the main street of our town. She was beaming, and she proudly showed off her precious new little baby to us. We gushed over the baby and Anne. We spoke a short blessing over them, and parted ways.

It was only a few days later that my pastor friend called with the terrible news. He told us that the baby was dead. My heart broke. How could this have happened? Somehow the baby had stopped breathing while Anne was nursing.

Up until this point in my life, especially in ministry, I felt an obligation to have the answers for people in the midst of pain. In some ways, I do believe that we as God’s people should be able to access the wisdom of God in times like these, but through this encounter with tragedy, God was trying to teach me about His heart. While we know that Jesus messed up every funeral that He ever went to, we can see an important snapshot of Jesus at Lazerus’ grave. In this story from John 11, we see the power of Jesus and the kingdom over death. We see his desire to reveal the glory of God, but we also see a heart of compassion. We see Jesus taking time to weep, even though He knew what was about to happen. Some have said that Jesus wept because those who were closest to Him lacked the faith to understand what was about to happen. I have heard others say that Jesus was mourning because there were some who questioned why He hadn’t shown up sooner. But the testimony of those who were there was, “See how He loved him.” What an amazing picture, to be able to see the WAY that Jesus loves.

As I sat with Anne after the funeral, she completely lost it. I ended up in a room with Anne, and a tiny corpse. I watched as this young mother cried and pleaded for this child to come back. I joined in with a prayer that seemed so feeble and faint. All I could do was hurt for this mom, and offer her some comfort in the midst of the pain. Not because I had an answer that would make it all better, but because my heart had become vulnerable to her pain.

I believe that one day, we will live in a fuller expression of true Christ-centered community. I have set my heart towards living in an atmosphere that has strong expectation to see death destroyed and the dead themselves live again. It is not a pipe dream, it is a promise. The whole earth will be filled with the glory of God as the waters cover the seas. Jesus told a grieving sister that if she believed, she would see the glory of God.

Calling all sons and daughters that are ready to believe to the next measure of seeing the glory revealed! It is time to live “all in” for Jesus. Not for a season, but for a lifetime. It is not that God couldn’t have raised the child back from death, I believe that He is waiting for a generation that will contend for the promise, and pay the price will they are waiting to see the fullfilment of the promise. He is looking for those who will become vulnerable to His heart and then live vulnerable to the pain around them. In the place of pain and lack, there must be a demonstration of the Father’s heart to release all the love and power of the reality of His kingdom come.

Let’s remember then, that the fullness of the Kingdom is not found in miracles or signs and wonders. Those things point to the One who is the fullness. The greatest thing about the Kingdom of Heaven is the King Himself. He is the One worth living for, the One worth giving everything for. He is the One that this world secretly longs to see revealed. Jesus is the desire of all nations and the longing of every heart. He is the exact representation of the Father, and broken hearts are waiting to encounter the Father’s loving heart.

Anne’s story spiraled out of control after the death of her little girl. First, her mom lost control and returned to drugs for an escape from the pain. The mother began pushing Anne to get pregnant again. Maybe if there was another baby… Within weeks of the funeral, Anne was completely out of control. She had lost the reason to try.

Of all of the things that I have ever witnessed, the depths of this story are some of the saddest and hardest for me to understand. I will never forget receiving a phone call from Anne’s landlord explaining what she and her mother had been doing. The men and the drugs were a poor fix for their pain.

After the eviction, I lost touch with Anne for a while. I heard that she had ended up in rehab and that she was doing well. Eighteen months passed before I saw Anne again. She had been doing well, but now she was back to her old lifestyle. She and her new boyfriend had come back to town in an attempt to get away from a bad crowd. I really believe that they wanted to get on their feet, but they lacked the power to follow through.

It was painful to watch them continue to make bad decisions, but I was glad to have a chance to love them in the midst of all of their mistakes. Sin has a way of wearing on a person. The beautiful girl that I had met just two years earlier had aged at least ten. She lived her life looking over her shoulder. There was such fear and at the same time, she was always looking for her chance at the next high.

Our community became desperate for opportunities to really share the Good News about Jesus in practical ways. We invited them to dinner before our house church began. Their were rides to the store, trips to court, desperate prayers sent upward in the midst of whatever crisis the couple was going through at the time. For a small group of us, we realized that we might be working with a limited opportunity with these two. Both had outstanding warrants for their arrest, both were living potentially deadly lifestyles and they both were always ready to run at the first sign of trouble. We prayed for grace and for breakthrough. There were several times, that God showed up in power. There were times when the boyfriend would be sick and looking for something to take care of the urges and the pain. He would run across one of us, and sometimes we would pray, sometimes we would just be with him, and the desire would leave. He was always full of amazement that being around Jesus could make such a difference. Unfortunately for the boyfriend, he was also addicted to Anne. While he might be able to do without the next fix, he couldn’t bring himself to do without her. This was hard for both of them, because their relationship was filled with anger and threats when they were using. It did not take much to set things off, which brings me to this story.

One night, Anne and Chris were helping us at our thrift store, which we were trying to get ready for our grand opening. They had stepped outside for a cigarette when a car full of guys drove by. The guys in the car saw Anne and hollered some pretty horrible things about her and the life that she had chosen to live. Anne looked at Chris, waiting for him to defend her, to at least make some attempt to honor her. Chris was angry, because as much as he cared for Anne, he knew that most of the things that the guys had said about her were probably true. He was embarrassed and didn’t know what to do. They started yelling at each other, and I went outside to try to help them and to try to calm them down before the police showed up.

Me being there had little impact on their conversation. They had gone through this before, and each time Anne felt less loved and Chris become angrier and more jealous. Chris left after a verbal exchange that did an amazing job of speaking the enemies heart over these two pearls. Anne was crushed. At first she tried to reason with someone who had just walked away, then she just melted. She began to talk about her hearts desire to have someone love her. For someone to see her without shame. She cried and I cried.

It was one of those times when I opened my mouth and knew that the Holy Spirit was speaking through me. I began to tell Anne about the Father’s heart. It was like she had never heard it before. She had, many times, but this time it was going deeper. As I told her that the Father had been loving her her whole life, it almost seemed that she stopped getting older. There was just the smallest spark of hope in her eyes. I remember giving her a big hug and singing “The Father’s Song” over her. She just stood there and let love in.

I wish I could say that she got down on her knees and repented and was born again. She didn’t. She just liked the idea that someone really loved her in spite of all of her stuff.

The next night, I found myself sitting with Chris and Anne in a Chinese restaurant that is on the main street of our town. I was enjoying the opportunity of treating them to a nice meal and just spending time with them. What happened next changed me. It has been shaping my life for a year, and as I write this now, I continued to be wrecked at the thought of what happened. Some guys walked by the window and saw us sitting there. They looked at Anne with disgust and made some rude comments and then laughed. My heart broke as I realized the hurt that came to Anne every time these comments were made. With tears beginning to well up in her eyes, she asked me a question that I was not prepared for.

“Why aren’t you ashamed to be seen with us? You never seem to care about how it might look, why are you here with us?”

The question rocked my heart. I tried to explain that we were never embarrassed of her, that we loved her and that it was an honor to be able to love her and be her friend. I told her that Jesus wasn’t ashamed of her, that He had already paid for every sin and shame that she would ever know.

By now, the tears were running onto her cheeks, and she made a request that still rings in my ears. “Could you please tell me again about the Father’s heart for me?”

I could not believe what I was hearing. Here is a young woman who has lived in addiction and promiscuity for years. She is not the seeker that most seeker services are designed to reach. Her reputation says “Stay away, I’m dirty and used up.” She has been the object of men’s lust and given herself away too many times to count, and yet her heart is seeking.

God forgive us for allowing our hearts to be hardened. When we see the woman caught in adultery, we may not have stones in our hands, but how many times do our attitudes say “You will get what you have coming to you and until then stay away. We don’t want your kind around.” Let us hear the compassionate heart of Jesus speaking directly to the cry of the woman’s heart. He does not condone the sin, but he distances Himself from condemnation and calls her to walk away from the sin that she has become a slave to.

In John 4, we see a similar situation with a different woman. Jesus is talking to the one who comes to draw her water in the middle of the day instead of the early morning like everyone else. She has had five husbands and is now living with #6 outside of marriage. His message to her was not focused on the grossness of her condition, but the superiority of what He had to offer. Something that would really satisfy the longings of her heart.

When will we realize that no matter what we see people spending their lives going after, that it is really Jesus that their heart is longing for?

~ by bradriane on June 13, 2007.